I'm cold

I am so freaking cold. It's 49.3 degrees F outside and I live in an apartment with no heat. The low tonight is 38 degrees F.

Of course, I could have heat if I wanted it.  

1. I could pay the gas company the $268 I owe them from a house I once owned. It seems when I sold the house I forgot to close out all my utility accounts. At that time I was pretty traumatized from the SWAT Team raid so a little forgetfulness can be forgiven. Then once that's paid, I'll only have to pony up another $150 for a deposit and heat, oh glorious heat, would be mine.

Yeah, that's not going to happen. I have the money but the opportunity cost on that $418 is too high. Eventually I will pay the $268 because I owe it and I pay my debts; however right now that $418 represents gear for Dude, gas for trips, cool new craft supplies, new clothes as I rapidly drop in size from very big to just big, and a sense of security.

2. I could bring Maku inside, close the balcony door and just let him whine all night.

3. I could stop drinking this cold @ss diet soda, put on my footed pajamas, and get under the covers.

Of the 3 options, options 2 and 3 are for me.

Good night and be blessed.

Oh PS I am going to sleep at 10pm if it kills me. First thing in the morning, I want to go to the big farmers market 30 minutes away. Then I plan on shopping for some warm clothes that are actually flattering on me (I've outgrown almost everything I own except for some fleece pants that are to short). Finally, Charles and I are going to a friend's cookout - it's a high of 65 tomorrow so go figure.

But the point is I'm getting out the house. Before the only time I left my my apartment was to eat and run errands. The only time I had a conversation with anyone was with the waitstaff at the restaurant. Since I won't be eating there as much as I have been, I have to find other ways to connect with people. It's a little  overwhelming, but hanging with friends is another way.

change of plans

today did not go as presumed. i didn't feel like leaving the house so i didn't. i rescheduled my dental appt and just didn't bother to go visit my ex. on top of my desire to stay home, i really don't see what good it would do me for us to see each other. he wants to act like we're all lovely dovey and getting back together when he gets out of jail when the truth is we were really never together to start with. he's a user. that's who and what he is. one day he might be more, once upon a time he might have been more, but today the buck stops at user. he wants me to visit so i can put money in his canteen. that's the gist of his intentions. he even had his aunt call me last night to ask when i was going to visit him. in 8 mos of dating, i never even knew he had an aunt. or that he had any family that would speak to him. other than his mom, who he would call for his monthly belittlement, i thought he was estranged from the rest of his family. goes to show what i knew.

i did deal with my ex-best today though. not the way i should have but the only way i could. i may have told you she threw her phone and broke it. if i didn't, she did. i don't know the story behind it and i don't want to know. it would just be another one of her "cheer me up, build me up, tell me i was right" scenarios that has gotten old and played out. anyway, she had the audacity to send me a fb message saying she hopes my surgery on friday goes well, she may be going to alabama this weekend (to see dumba$$ of course), and she wants us to get together before she moves november 4th. i'm like, is she freaking kidding me? first she ditches me then she wants to act like nothing's wrong? yeah. don't think so. it's so stereotypical A. i love her but she's the kind of person that would stab you in the back then send you good well balloons wishing you a speedy recovery. in the past, i was like whatever. her assets outweighed her defects so i was willing to put up with a little fly in the cereal every now and then.  fortunately for me, that's not the case anymore. it's not who i am anymore. our friendship has to be about more than me being there for her and her being there for her.

so i replied to her message letting her know how her actions affected me and basically ending the friendship. our friendship has ran its natural course.

am i sad about it? yes. she's had a place in my life for a long time but to be honest, it means a lot less work for me. A is a 24-7 job and a large part of me is relieved i don't have to be on call anymore. yet there is another part of me that's sad it had to come to this.

i 100% accept my part in creating such a one-sided friendship. when we first met, i was emotionally twisted. i felt safer being there for others, to the point where they became dependent on me, and never allowing anyone to be there for me, so i wouldn't become dependent on them. no dependence, no true intimacy, no real hurt. it was a "you need me" sitcom and it was the only one i had ever known. literally. the theme of every relationship i've ever had centered around how could i make myself indispensable to whomever, so they would always need me and therefore never leave me. it was a lot of work but it was also quite effective. i attracted the needy, the helpless, the victims, and the f*ck-ups. we would then precede to have a symbiotic relationship that lasted until they died, got arrested, or their behavior got so disrespectful or needy that i finally rebelled. a lot like this friendship with A, now that i look at it. in my defense, i have spoken to A several times about my needing her to be more supportive of me and i was met with complete silence. literally. she would look at me and not say a word. eventually i would get so uncomfortable i would change the subject and she would follow along, as if the prior 5 or 10 minutes had never occurred. while frustrating, it really is a pretty nifty tactic and i hope to master it someday.

thankfully, A's is the last relationship set on that type of foundation that was grandfathered in. i've finally, finally, finally gotten to a point in my life where i don't need to be needed or to be "a part of." i'm not scared to ride solo today. if anything, i prefer it. before i would feel anxious at the thought of not having a boyfriend or friendship to define myself by. that anxiety drove me to create relationships with anybody that would stand still long enough to have a conversation and i could easily pick out the sickest one in the general vicinity to latch onto. =D not anymore though. today i'm quiet in my skin. i'm ok with me - the pretty, the ugly, and the question marks. i don't need to be a "we" to be ok with me. me is pretty awesome all by her lonesome.

i also know and believe and feel that i - independent of anything physical or material - have value today. i didn't use to believe that at one time. i use to feel that people were doing me a favor by being my friend. "oo, i get to hang with this cool person and everybody likes them so everybody is going to like me and since they're awesome then i must be awesome by association."  =D oh, i was so sad but you couldn't tell it from looking at me. from the outside i was this attractive, cheerful, highly intelligent woman who loved life, always had to be the center of attention, and had more friends then she knew what to do with. someone once told me at parties that i was like a butterfly, just flitting from group to group. i worked hard to keep that mask up. but on the inside, on the inside was a cavern of darkness, nothingness and numbness all the dynamite on earth couldn't blast open. i just knew, from a young age, that i was defective. that something was broken in me that wasn't broken in anyone else. thus i lived in abject terror that someone would care enough to look past the mask and discover the real me. then my secret would be out and they wouldn't like me, let alone love me, anymore. alas, i was worried for not. no one ever cared enough to even look in my eyes, let alone past the mask. now i know that had nothing to do with me and my suspected inability to be loved or cared for and everything to do with the selfish, self-centered people and the subsequent shallow relationships i purposely surrounded myself with.

it took a long time, most of my life, to get from there to here. here where i know and believe that love and favor is my due, as it's due to all God's children. here where i know and believe that i am an amazing, loving, caring person and i expect and demand to be treated as such. here where i know and believe that someone else's bad behavior has nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with them - their life experiences, their perceptions and beliefs, and their level of spirituality. here where i don't make excuses for people's bad behaviors and i don't try to fix them. i just refuse to tolerate it.

i don't know why it took me so long to figure all of those simple, blessed principles out. i'm just grateful that i did and i pray for the sick and suffering who are still trudging that road of darkness and misunderstanding.

this has gotten way off topic. other than to confess my laziness, i really wanted to blog about taking the van for a test run tonight, even though i don't have anything packed or ready to go. i have an appointment tomorrow at 9:30am at a va hospital 3 hours away from me. as you know, i generally get up between 12 noon and 3pm so getting up at 5am and being on the road by 6am just doesn't seem likely.  it's possible but not really probable. but now it's already 1130pm and i really don't want to be on the interstate this late especially with it raining. i just have to set my clock and get up no matter what. getting up earlier was one of my goals anyway. the universe is just giving me what i wanted.

good night and be blessed.

ps cross your fingers if you get a chance and wish me luck.

pss i ramble a lot. knowing is half the battle.

which bed to pick? best friend issues? ghosts in attendance?

i didn't get a chance to take the mv to the mechanic so i'll probably do it wednesday since i'm going out of town tomorrow. it's only 35 minutes away but i'm getting dental work done and going to see my ex in lockup so i'm not sure what time i'll be back home.  i'm trying to take care of everything medical and dental now so i won't have any issues when i leave next year.  one good thing about having served my country is that i have access to any va hospital or center in the country but i would rather not visit any if at all possible.

i'm trying to decide between two zone chairs from walmart. they come in pink, navy, green, and black. while i adore the pink color, it's just too bright and cheerful in such a small space. the green is cute, not as bright, and cheery as well as calming but not as bright is still bright.  i want to keep a low profile and if i open my side door for some reason, the green is going to shout "hi! look at me! i'm a bed!" so that leaves the black and navy. black is just too boring. i don't want to feel like i'm in a cavern or crypt.  that leaves the blue. it's pretty color. it won't screen "look at me" if i open the door. it's the sensible choice. problem is, i don't want to be sensible. my heart says go for the green while my head says go for the blue. what do you think?

i'm also looking at toilets and stuff but i think the bed is the most important item. i read somewhere that no matter what, you have to be able to get a good night's sleep.

on another note, i've fallen out with my bestest, yet again. i love her but this girl is about a dependable as a hurricane. i'm having outpatient surgery on friday and i asked her 3 weeks ago if she would be able to drive me home since they won't let me drive myself. she said yes. i brought it up to her last week and she reconfirmed. then yesterday she told me she would have to check her schedule to see if she was available friday. i'm like wtf?!! i said never mind, my ex-hubby would do it (he's still one of my best friends).

i'm so tired of never being able to depend on this girl. it was my fault for even asking her since i know her character. she's notorious for going back on her word if she commits to something. i just never thought she would do it to me. along with some other stuff she's pulled, i'm ready to let this friendship die a natural death. she's moving two states away next month anyway so i won't try too hard to keep in touch. it's sad because i really do love her and she does have some good qualities, just not enough to offset her negative ones. i'll hold on to the memories and love her from a distance.

that's about it for me but i do want to note one thing. on two separate occasions i've walked into my living room and the blinds over the living room window were pulled up. i didn't pull them up and there's no one else here but maku. no one has visited or anything. i'm really hoping that maku is pulling the strings somehow and raising the blinds himself, since he loves to sit in that window. if not, i don't know what's going on. i have an alarm system but it's been having a few issues lately. hopefully this will straighten itself out without me having to clock someone or call 911.

have a great night. be blessed.