which bed to pick? best friend issues? ghosts in attendance?

i didn't get a chance to take the mv to the mechanic so i'll probably do it wednesday since i'm going out of town tomorrow. it's only 35 minutes away but i'm getting dental work done and going to see my ex in lockup so i'm not sure what time i'll be back home.  i'm trying to take care of everything medical and dental now so i won't have any issues when i leave next year.  one good thing about having served my country is that i have access to any va hospital or center in the country but i would rather not visit any if at all possible.

i'm trying to decide between two zone chairs from walmart. they come in pink, navy, green, and black. while i adore the pink color, it's just too bright and cheerful in such a small space. the green is cute, not as bright, and cheery as well as calming but not as bright is still bright.  i want to keep a low profile and if i open my side door for some reason, the green is going to shout "hi! look at me! i'm a bed!" so that leaves the black and navy. black is just too boring. i don't want to feel like i'm in a cavern or crypt.  that leaves the blue. it's pretty color. it won't screen "look at me" if i open the door. it's the sensible choice. problem is, i don't want to be sensible. my heart says go for the green while my head says go for the blue. what do you think?

i'm also looking at toilets and stuff but i think the bed is the most important item. i read somewhere that no matter what, you have to be able to get a good night's sleep.

on another note, i've fallen out with my bestest, yet again. i love her but this girl is about a dependable as a hurricane. i'm having outpatient surgery on friday and i asked her 3 weeks ago if she would be able to drive me home since they won't let me drive myself. she said yes. i brought it up to her last week and she reconfirmed. then yesterday she told me she would have to check her schedule to see if she was available friday. i'm like wtf?!! i said never mind, my ex-hubby would do it (he's still one of my best friends).

i'm so tired of never being able to depend on this girl. it was my fault for even asking her since i know her character. she's notorious for going back on her word if she commits to something. i just never thought she would do it to me. along with some other stuff she's pulled, i'm ready to let this friendship die a natural death. she's moving two states away next month anyway so i won't try too hard to keep in touch. it's sad because i really do love her and she does have some good qualities, just not enough to offset her negative ones. i'll hold on to the memories and love her from a distance.

that's about it for me but i do want to note one thing. on two separate occasions i've walked into my living room and the blinds over the living room window were pulled up. i didn't pull them up and there's no one else here but maku. no one has visited or anything. i'm really hoping that maku is pulling the strings somehow and raising the blinds himself, since he loves to sit in that window. if not, i don't know what's going on. i have an alarm system but it's been having a few issues lately. hopefully this will straighten itself out without me having to clock someone or call 911.

have a great night. be blessed.

status of honda odyssey

i looked at the honda odyssey yesterday and discovered i have the 7-seater, not the 6-seater,  so the middle row bucket seats don't have tabs that allow you to easily remove them.

below are some generic pictures showing the layout.

the middle row seats collapse and fold up against the front seats. the seat back can also recline until it's flush with the rear seat.

the rear seat can fold flush with the floor by dropping into the trunk area, the seat back can recline until it's parallel with the floor, and the seat back can fold forward onto the seat.

this is the trunk area behind the rear seat.

the picture above shows the the middle row seats collapsed against the front seats and the rear seat folded flush with the floor. if i was a little shorter than my awesome 5'8", this would be perfect but i'm not so it's about 4 or 5 inches to short for me to lie straight. i would have to lie at an angle with the middle seats taking up space and limiting what i could put on side of my bed. the spare tire is already imposing into the interior space. i don't want to lose even more space to the seats.  (on another note, i remember reading on a vandwelling blog where someone else moved their spare tire from the inside to either to the top or bottom of their vehicle. i'll try to find that posting later.)

another option i have is to recline one of the middle row seats until it's flush with the rear seat and then recline the rear seat until it hits the back of the rear door. that would give me enough room to lie flat and i could just put a futon chair mattress on the bed to even out the dips. i could use the the other side of the rear seat as a chair to knit, read, etc and i would be able to use some of the trunk for storage. to get to it, i would just have to fold the back of the rear seat forward.

the problem with that is the unused middle row seat would still take up much needed space, i wouldn't be able to store anything under my bed, and i wouldn't be able to use all the vertical space in the trunk because i have to recline back.

my last option, and the one i'm going with i think, is just to have someone remove the middle row seats and keep the rear seat. that way i could use storage bins as the foundation of my bed which would give me storage. i could use the right side of the rear seat for sitting, and i would have some of the trunk for additional storage. plus i would have space on the right side of my bed (assuming i place it behind the driver's seat) for maku's litter box, which is an entirely different set of concerns.

that being decided, it's off to my local mechanic to see if he can remove the seats and find out how much he's going to charge me. i'm thinking, guessing, hoping removing the seats won't be a big deal but who knows. life is seldom as simple as i want it to be.

take care and be blessed.

Maku - let's see if this posts correctly

3:16 AM

this blog post was from two or three mornings ago but it went into drafts instead of posting. i'm just including it now.

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it's 3:16am and i just finished reading the entire blog of the most awesome woman. i think we have a lot in common as far  as circumstances. not so much as far as reactions. she seems so self-sufficient, strong, and grounded with this unwavering sense of who and what she is and her place in the universe. me? i'm the opposite of that, most of the time. the vast majority of time.

but, despite all my shortcomings which her awesomeness has highlighted in my mind, she wrote something that gives me hope. she said she's scared to do things but she does them anyway. that's a large part of how i've lived my life. i had to do things because the consequences of not doing them outweighed my fear of doing them. then finally it became too much and i started searching for external remedies to lessen my fears and gift me with the courage i just knew i lacked. now, there are no external remedies. there's just me. and i'm recognizing how strong i was to even survive to be the me i am today, irregardless of the external courage. some days just getting up was a marathon, but i ran it. it was vietnam, but i fought it. so now, it starts again. but this time, i have an armory of resources and a league of experience at my disposal.

testing cell phone 2: picture of maku

	this is Maku surveying his territory from the top of my headboard.
	this pic came out just fine. hopefully the first one was an anomaly.  so going forward, i can send pics from my phone. i'm so excited.

testing cell phone: picture of maku

	this is Maku, my cat, my friend, my baby, my heart. he's such a gorgeous, personable cat. and his fur is so freaking soft. it's literally like rubbing cashmere or mink. that being said, the picture came through from my cell phone but it's really messed up. not sure why. i'll send another one and see if the same thing happens.

ps i'm infatuated

with a guy...or his blog...or both. but it's cute and makes me smile so i'm sharing. =D

i'm an internet page hoarder

ok, so i had over 40 tabs open of everyones blog that I wanted to read. over 40. i have a macbook pro which i adore but it's really temperamental, especially regarding safari. generally it'll only put up with my ocd and my internet page hoarding just so much before it shuts safari down and tells me to get a life. since that would freak me out to no end, because i HAVE to read EVERYTHING or the world as i know it will cease to exist, i have taken the necessary steps to reduce the number of open tabs to 10, 11 including mine. first, for everyone that's on blogger, i subscribed to their blog. then for everyone that's not on blogger but has an rss feed, i subscribed to their feed. then for everyone else, well, their tab is still open; however, i just created a blog folder where their bookmark will be safely stored for later reading, research, and comments.

while this really is a little thing, it is a great example of me and my need to know. some might say control but whatever. i'm just extremely curious about EVERYTHING and i hate not delving into the specifics. i'm one of those people who know a little about a lot because everything interests me - thoughts, ideas, actions, perceptions, reasoning, logic, results, consequences, just everything.  and when something slips through my fingers, it's aggravating or frustrating or something. it's like i was about to open a box and someone took the box away before i could see what was inside.  i'm also like that about the mail, just so you know. i love opening the mailbox to see what i have, what "santa" brought me. i'd rather get a bill than face an empty box. i find that interesting.

oh, i'm also a book hoarder. i have tons and tons and tons of unread books that i'm going to get to...eventually. hopefully before march of next year which is when i'm disposing of everything that's not going in the van, other than my mattress set. luckily once the kindle fire comes out, i'll grab that and worries about having too many books will be a thing of the past...for the most part.

ok, it's late and i'm exhausted. i've been practicing my tatting - both shuttle and needle - and i'm done. i love the artistry of tatting, but the videos leave a lot to be desired. i've seem slugs sleep with more enthusiasm and personality. (there i go complaining again, sorry. i'm working on the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" principle to the best of my ability. it's just that me keeps getting in the way of I and then it's just a free for all).

anyway, have a great night, morning, sunday, or whatever. just be blessed.

up, down, and all around

my day went very well with my son. i picked up my youngest from my ex's but my middle child was a no show so it was just j and i today. the festival was packed, as usual. j and i made a pact to try everything and anything we wanted to eat and we did. luckily it only cost me $40 and fun was had by all. =D my bestest ash joined us for a little while. it was pretty great seeing her, now that i think about it. she was only with us for a little while before she called it quits and left. since she's on a very strict eating plan, us stopping to eat every 5 mins was not her idea of a great time. i was thinking about going over to her house after i dropped my son off but i nixed that idea. just didn't have the motivation. i was hoping to get up with a guy i sorta like and that's suppose to sorta like me also but it didn't happen. he called and was suppose to call right back but he went mia. when he didn't answer my call, i was over it and just came home. i was a little peeved that he basically ignored me but it's just not that serious. mostly cause i don't want it to be. when i leave next year and i don't want anything or anyone dragging on my coattails and i've made that more than clear to him and everyone else in my life. so it's only my ego that's irked.

being with my son was the up part of my day. being ignored brought me to baseline. now the down part is starting in my head. i'm so ready to get the freak out of here. to go anywhere for just a couple of days would be more than enough but it's not going to happen anytime soon, i don't think. or maybe it will. i don't know. i have to figure out how to get the middle row seats out of the odyssey. even with the rear seats left in place, i can make a bed and throw whatever else i need behind the rear seat and to the side of the bed. i got back to late to look at it today so i'll look at it again tomorrow. i did a google search to see if anyone explained how to do it but came up empty.

on top of that, i'm trying not to fall into "poor, woo is me" mode.  i have an awesome life, i really do. i know i do. but sometimes my life challenges get on my last nerve and i feel overwhelmed. i start second guessing myself, my abilities, and my capabilities. i've literally been fighting, hiding, or running my entire life - from two onward. if i'm not careful, i can get sucked back into that black hole of trials and tribulations. i can relive it, rethink it, and come out battered and scarred yet again. or worst, i can let it taint the good that i earned and that i claim today.

that's why i'm so happy i've found so many vandwelling blogs. there's nothing i've faced that others haven't faced and overcame before me. there's no fears i have today that others aren't facing and overcoming even as i type. there are some amazing women i can turn to and follow. maybe not in person but through their sharing and their honesty. they're my predecessors, my rope when i'm hanging off the cliffs of "i can't". my path, good, bad, and in-between is my path. no one can walk it for me. but like my recovery, i don't have to walk it alone either.

have a great night, i'm going back to reading about swankie. hugs and be blessed.

another day

up at 115pm. call to son who had a serious attitude. call immediately cut short. ignored sons repeated phone calls for the next hour while i dressed and cleaned a little. answered son's call. made arrangements to grab him and his brother to go to fesival downtown. looked at a few blogs. typed this. about to head out.

so, that's my day so far. i dread leaving my house and my anxiety is kicking in but i know once i get with my sons it's going to be awesome. i have personable, funny, high quality sons. they make me smile and proud just looking at them. i just need to get over the hurdle of leaving my little sanctuary and all will be well.

that's easier said than done so let me go. hugs.

ps. hopefully i'll have pics to post when i return.

ugghhh!!!!!

i'm on edge. i don't like being on edge. i'm trying to ignore the edginess by being ocd with the internet but it's not helping. the hum is humming right below the surface. thus i've decided to blog to possibly get it off my spirit and into the physical world where i can deal - hopefully.

ok. so what's going on? first, my mv (minivan). today was the first time i've driven him - yes, it's a he - since i bought in last month and something's off. the brakes are squeaking a little and they pulsate when i press them. anything out of the norm with vehicles is generally not good. then i went to get his side and back windows tinted and my friend had some issues with the curve of the back window. it has tint but it's not very pretty tint. he said he'll try again later which is cool with me. i just wanted tint so the curtains or reflectix or whatever won't be identifiable from outside. but then the hatch lock broke and now it won't close fully and it won't open. that's a problem. finally, i can't figure out how to remove the middle row bucket seats and rear bench seat. from the description of the vehicle, i know they're suppose to be removable so it's just one more thing to figure out - along with the hatchback and the brakes and possibly the tint.  none of this is major, i know it but to be honest, i'm pretty lazy. i like things to go the way they're suppose to go and if they don't, i like other people to fix them. mechanical tasks, or any physical tasks for that matter, are not my strong point. i want that to change before i take off for good next year but hopefully it's a process cause right now, it hasn't changed one iota.

then tomorrow i have to leave my house to drive 45 minutes to hang out with my sons and my best friend. i love my sons. i love my best friends. i still don't want to leave my house!!!! i'm sitting here pouting and it's ridiculous but i feel what i feel and that's what i feel. interacting with people for longer than 15 minutes, 20 minutes top, is just draining. i know it's my $hit but it still affects me and it's human nature to not do the things i don't want to do. it's my nature anyway. but i'm going to go anyway because boys need their mother and friends need friends. if my home wasn't such a pig sty they could come here - which would ease my anxiety tremendously - but it is so they can't. i'm thinking i should have it cleaned up definitely by the new year. if not, i'll just haul off and take everything on the floor and not in my room to the dumpster. either way, it'll be clean.

last but not least, my bff just got down to a size 6 and my little sister, who's taking me to cancun next year for my birthday, is a size 4/6. they make me sick. one of the things i want to do before i start vandwelling is get healthy - diet, cardio, strength training, flexibility, spirituality, and emotional and mental stability. well, that's easier said than done. did i mention that i was lazy? cause it's true. i don't like to cook, so i eat out almost every meal except for having popcorn and diet soda before bed. my latest obsession has been waffles at this like shack of a dinner. i don't know what's in them but they are so freaking good with extra butter and hot syrup. i've had them almost every night for the last month. even thinking about them now is killing me. so, as a result of not cooking and eating too much sugar and starches, i've gotten to be quite a bit more substantial than i was 5 or 6 years ago. normally, this wouldn't bother me at all but my cholesterol isn't as good as it could be and the pants i bought in january can't exactly get past my thighs. plus my loved ones are losing weight and are all to happy to tell me alllll about the new clothes they just have to buy since their old things are too, too small. yeah. whatever.

so while i refuse to diet, i am determined to eat healthier. which is probably one of the reasons i'm on edge. i. want. waffles!!! but i had a protein shake and popcorn instead. yay for me.  and it's no big deal that life is going to shine just a little less bright going forward. being healthy is worth it. so i've been told.

as for the physical stuff, i have a membership at the ymca but i hate the place. it's old as methuselah. there's no facility radio. the weights are in the dark, dank basement. only the treadmills have connections to the television. and on and on and on with the complaints.  i'm going to check out the gym about 10 minutes from me to see if i like it. it's $15 more but it's definitely worth it if i don't dread going there. plus, there are cuter guys at that gym. i love the y but most of the guys that frequent it are not single and are rarely under the age of 50. not that i have anything against the elderly. many of my best friends are elderly. lol. that sounds so lame. i'm changing the subject.

as for my mental health, my psych and i are on top of that and it's going unusually well. due to some horrendous events in my past, i have a psych. enough said.

emotionally, i'm going very well. i finally ended a very draining, negative, drama-filled relationship with someone i desperately wanted to save but who had no desire to be saved. it took a little while to figure out we weren't on the same team. i hate it had to end the way it did but i'm thankful to God and the universe that it ended. other than that, my life is pretty awesome - great family, great friends, a wonderful cat, satisfying hobbies, good health. definitely nothing to complain about.

spiritually, i'm reading some things. while i feel very connected to the Universal Energy and i believe 100% in the fundamental goodness and purpose of the universe, i desire more. what more is the question.

hmm...i do feel much better. life is great and i just needed to be reminded of it. to remind myself of it. take care and be blessed. hugs.

yesterday was...

yesterday. it was rainy and windy so i rescheduled my window tint for today at 230pm. i read a lot of vandwelling blogs. i misplaced my cell and spent no time looking for it. i love my friends and family but i'm getting to the point where i just don't want to be bothered. some days i just want to be in the world but not part of the world, if that makes any sense.

i went to an international festival a few weeks ago, by myself, and i had the best time. i went where i wanted to go, saw what i wanted to see, and spoke to only those people i wanted to speak to. i got to watch the performances both on stage and off. i was in the world but not part of the world. i got to watch and think and be a part of without playing a role or being on stage. nothing was required of me. no lines were necessary, no parts memorized. i liked that and i want more of it.

i think that's one of the reasons i'm going to be vandwelling. the freedom to be invisible while being visible is addicting, i think.

anyway, that's too much thinking this early in the day. i'm about to google the guys address that's tinting the van and head that way.  I intend to post again tonight about everything i'm doing or plan on doing to get ready for next year. be blessed.

i'm still up

so, it's 204am and i'm still awake to the irritation of my exhausted cat who i keep moving, unintentionally, every time i move. but really, it's not all my fault. i can't sleep per the manifestation of universal energy. first i was watching angel, season 1, and it was awesome. i just watched episode 5 where cordelia moves into a house haunted by a killer ghost mommy. then i started reading vandwelling and camping blogs. i started with some girl who takes awesome pics but her blog was too freaking complicated for me. if i have to work that hard to understand, i need it reflected in my gpa.

then i went to 721 and the truck house blog. he reminds me a lot of myself. so much so that while reading 721 i thought the blogger was a guy, especially since i ran across truck house sometime last year, i think, and remembered a picture of a guy; but then there were some parts i really wasn't sure. i was like, ok, maybe cool lesbian, which i have no problem with. not only am i an advocate of sexual freedom, i publicly endorse the coming out or experimentation of any female who thinks she might, in some way, have lesbian tendency. =D i fight for equal rights and reduce the eligible straight female to male ratio in my favor. what's not to like?  but then i scanned truck blog again and, true enough, he is a guy. he's just a guy in touch with his feelings who freely expresses his emotions. first, i didn't know guys had emotions like that. so many of the guys i've known have been of the not-nice variety that i just didn't think they went that deep. second, i admire his courage. i don't have it. unless someone chops off one of my body parts - well loved and cherished i might add - or i suddently decide medication is just a scam of the pharmaceutical industry to keep us enslaved in their matrix-like psychological conglomerate -  which has happened so i'm not doubting it - i don't cry. i don't cry in public, i don't cry with friends, i don't cry when drunk. i try to limit my reachable emotions to lust, love, happiness, joy, humor, concern, anger, rage, annoyance, sarcasm, and despair. if you notice, sadness and depression, not so much. but still, i may have them on layaway somewhere and have just forgotten to pick them up. therefore if i go that way, and then have a mental hiccup and post about it, just consider it bill paid and remind me that "the sun will come out, tomorrow, so i just gotta hang onto tomorrow, come what may...." lol.

now, back to reading random, vandwelling-related blogs with the peace of mind that comes from knowing my alarm is set to wake me up no later than 12:00 for my 130pm (that's 1330 to you military types) window-tinting $60 appointment later today, since i have been known to sleep till 330pm (yes, you read it correctly 1530).

nitey nite.

hi. new beginnings? maybe.

hi. this blog is going to be the ramblings of a gypsy child. why? cause i need to remember. cause i forget any and every and only my words remain to evidence my existence, thoughts, actions. the fluctuations and inconstancy of permanence that is I and me.

next year i'm going van dwelling across the country. seriously. not because there's going to be some dire mishandling of my finances - knock on wood AND throw salt behind me - but because i want to. because i want to leave where i'm at to get where i'm suppose to be with the smallest outsourcing of resources possible. thus, vandwelling. my family and friends think i'm nuts and bull$hitting but whatever. i'm use to it and so are they. =D i bought a 1997 honda odyssey last month. i took the greyhound all the way to Lake something, IL and drove it back. riding on the greyhound from SC to chicago was interesting for real, for real. i came from some interesting times but living in suburbia all these years has softened me up like a just baked marshmallow.  i was not ready for atlanta and atlanta was definitely not ready for me. lol. luckily street smarts are ingrained cause the bus was overbooked and people had been waiting 24 hours or more for the very bus i needed by the time we arrived. yeah. i'm not the one to wait. so a little of this, a little of that, gc is on the next bus and there are a lot of pissed off souls still waiting. definitely not something i want to relive but if i have to, it's nice to know i can handle my own.

anyway, so i've had the mv for a month. tomorrow i'm getting the mid and back side windows and back window tinted to 20%. then i'm having the middle row seats removed. i might go ahead and remove the back row bench seat also but not sure. it's not as easy as removing the middle row seats. i found a video online that explains it but i'm hoping i don't have to actually do it. i do have some awesome male friends that would be keen to help me out but i really don't want to ask. no other reason than pride cause my friends are pretty kick a$$. i'm also installing window and rain deflectors, purchasing a chair futon cushion from wally world, and building a frame for the bed to be completed by next sunday. then it's off for a test sleep. not sure where. maybe savannah, ga or asheville, nc. both places i love.

in addition to prepping the van i've also come up with a list of things that i must complete and hobbies i must be "fluent" in before i set sail. i'm not going into all of them right now but suffice it to say, it's going to take FOREVER to complete.  seeing as i am who i am, i might end of saying whatever and head out prior to the completion of my to do list but hopefully not. i can never tell with me but i'm pretty sure completing the list would be better than leaving half mast. i think. either way, i'm pretty stoked about the take off. =D i've been on lock down in sc since 1998. it's gotten old. i've gotten old. it's time to move on and move out. that's it for now. back to watching angel on hulu plus. hugs.