About Me

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I'm 39 years olds and I'm just trying to find my place in the world. I've had a few careers, owned a few businesses, and overcame a few challenges. Now, after an entire life-time of trying my hardest to be who and what I thought everybody else wanted me to be, I'm finally ready to be myself. The fun part is uncovering who that is.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

change of plans

today did not go as presumed. i didn't feel like leaving the house so i didn't. i rescheduled my dental appt and just didn't bother to go visit my ex. on top of my desire to stay home, i really don't see what good it would do me for us to see each other. he wants to act like we're all lovely dovey and getting back together when he gets out of jail when the truth is we were really never together to start with. he's a user. that's who and what he is. one day he might be more, once upon a time he might have been more, but today the buck stops at user. he wants me to visit so i can put money in his canteen. that's the gist of his intentions. he even had his aunt call me last night to ask when i was going to visit him. in 8 mos of dating, i never even knew he had an aunt. or that he had any family that would speak to him. other than his mom, who he would call for his monthly belittlement, i thought he was estranged from the rest of his family. goes to show what i knew.

i did deal with my ex-best today though. not the way i should have but the only way i could. i may have told you she threw her phone and broke it. if i didn't, she did. i don't know the story behind it and i don't want to know. it would just be another one of her "cheer me up, build me up, tell me i was right" scenarios that has gotten old and played out. anyway, she had the audacity to send me a fb message saying she hopes my surgery on friday goes well, she may be going to alabama this weekend (to see dumba$$ of course), and she wants us to get together before she moves november 4th. i'm like, is she freaking kidding me? first she ditches me then she wants to act like nothing's wrong? yeah. don't think so. it's so stereotypical A. i love her but she's the kind of person that would stab you in the back then send you good well balloons wishing you a speedy recovery. in the past, i was like whatever. her assets outweighed her defects so i was willing to put up with a little fly in the cereal every now and then.  fortunately for me, that's not the case anymore. it's not who i am anymore. our friendship has to be about more than me being there for her and her being there for her.

so i replied to her message letting her know how her actions affected me and basically ending the friendship. our friendship has ran its natural course.

am i sad about it? yes. she's had a place in my life for a long time but to be honest, it means a lot less work for me. A is a 24-7 job and a large part of me is relieved i don't have to be on call anymore. yet there is another part of me that's sad it had to come to this.

i 100% accept my part in creating such a one-sided friendship. when we first met, i was emotionally twisted. i felt safer being there for others, to the point where they became dependent on me, and never allowing anyone to be there for me, so i wouldn't become dependent on them. no dependence, no true intimacy, no real hurt. it was a "you need me" sitcom and it was the only one i had ever known. literally. the theme of every relationship i've ever had centered around how could i make myself indispensable to whomever, so they would always need me and therefore never leave me. it was a lot of work but it was also quite effective. i attracted the needy, the helpless, the victims, and the f*ck-ups. we would then precede to have a symbiotic relationship that lasted until they died, got arrested, or their behavior got so disrespectful or needy that i finally rebelled. a lot like this friendship with A, now that i look at it. in my defense, i have spoken to A several times about my needing her to be more supportive of me and i was met with complete silence. literally. she would look at me and not say a word. eventually i would get so uncomfortable i would change the subject and she would follow along, as if the prior 5 or 10 minutes had never occurred. while frustrating, it really is a pretty nifty tactic and i hope to master it someday.

thankfully, A's is the last relationship set on that type of foundation that was grandfathered in. i've finally, finally, finally gotten to a point in my life where i don't need to be needed or to be "a part of." i'm not scared to ride solo today. if anything, i prefer it. before i would feel anxious at the thought of not having a boyfriend or friendship to define myself by. that anxiety drove me to create relationships with anybody that would stand still long enough to have a conversation and i could easily pick out the sickest one in the general vicinity to latch onto. =D not anymore though. today i'm quiet in my skin. i'm ok with me - the pretty, the ugly, and the question marks. i don't need to be a "we" to be ok with me. me is pretty awesome all by her lonesome.

i also know and believe and feel that i - independent of anything physical or material - have value today. i didn't use to believe that at one time. i use to feel that people were doing me a favor by being my friend. "oo, i get to hang with this cool person and everybody likes them so everybody is going to like me and since they're awesome then i must be awesome by association."  =D oh, i was so sad but you couldn't tell it from looking at me. from the outside i was this attractive, cheerful, highly intelligent woman who loved life, always had to be the center of attention, and had more friends then she knew what to do with. someone once told me at parties that i was like a butterfly, just flitting from group to group. i worked hard to keep that mask up. but on the inside, on the inside was a cavern of darkness, nothingness and numbness all the dynamite on earth couldn't blast open. i just knew, from a young age, that i was defective. that something was broken in me that wasn't broken in anyone else. thus i lived in abject terror that someone would care enough to look past the mask and discover the real me. then my secret would be out and they wouldn't like me, let alone love me, anymore. alas, i was worried for not. no one ever cared enough to even look in my eyes, let alone past the mask. now i know that had nothing to do with me and my suspected inability to be loved or cared for and everything to do with the selfish, self-centered people and the subsequent shallow relationships i purposely surrounded myself with.

it took a long time, most of my life, to get from there to here. here where i know and believe that love and favor is my due, as it's due to all God's children. here where i know and believe that i am an amazing, loving, caring person and i expect and demand to be treated as such. here where i know and believe that someone else's bad behavior has nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with them - their life experiences, their perceptions and beliefs, and their level of spirituality. here where i don't make excuses for people's bad behaviors and i don't try to fix them. i just refuse to tolerate it.

i don't know why it took me so long to figure all of those simple, blessed principles out. i'm just grateful that i did and i pray for the sick and suffering who are still trudging that road of darkness and misunderstanding.

this has gotten way off topic. other than to confess my laziness, i really wanted to blog about taking the van for a test run tonight, even though i don't have anything packed or ready to go. i have an appointment tomorrow at 9:30am at a va hospital 3 hours away from me. as you know, i generally get up between 12 noon and 3pm so getting up at 5am and being on the road by 6am just doesn't seem likely.  it's possible but not really probable. but now it's already 1130pm and i really don't want to be on the interstate this late especially with it raining. i just have to set my clock and get up no matter what. getting up earlier was one of my goals anyway. the universe is just giving me what i wanted.

good night and be blessed.

ps cross your fingers if you get a chance and wish me luck.

pss i ramble a lot. knowing is half the battle.

sleep schedule is off

my sleep schedule is so off. i finally got to sleep around 4 am or 5 am and i'm just waking up now. i was reading the yahoo vandwelling forum for most of the night. i ran across one post where the guy said he stayed up all night and  slept during the day so that way he didn't have to worry about parking or whatever. that might be an idea. my only concern would be the noise factor while i slept and becoming even more of a loner.  i don't want that. tonight i'll try to be in bed no later than 11pm and set my alarm for 8am. even if i'm off by a few hours, i'll still be in bed before 1am and awake before noon, i hope. 

in the meantime, it's off to the dentist and the detention center for me.  i can't say i'm looking forward to either one of them but it is what it is. good, bad, or in-between, i just have to do my part.

take care and be blessed.