About Me

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I'm 39 years olds and I'm just trying to find my place in the world. I've had a few careers, owned a few businesses, and overcame a few challenges. Now, after an entire life-time of trying my hardest to be who and what I thought everybody else wanted me to be, I'm finally ready to be myself. The fun part is uncovering who that is.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

up, down, and all around

my day went very well with my son. i picked up my youngest from my ex's but my middle child was a no show so it was just j and i today. the festival was packed, as usual. j and i made a pact to try everything and anything we wanted to eat and we did. luckily it only cost me $40 and fun was had by all. =D my bestest ash joined us for a little while. it was pretty great seeing her, now that i think about it. she was only with us for a little while before she called it quits and left. since she's on a very strict eating plan, us stopping to eat every 5 mins was not her idea of a great time. i was thinking about going over to her house after i dropped my son off but i nixed that idea. just didn't have the motivation. i was hoping to get up with a guy i sorta like and that's suppose to sorta like me also but it didn't happen. he called and was suppose to call right back but he went mia. when he didn't answer my call, i was over it and just came home. i was a little peeved that he basically ignored me but it's just not that serious. mostly cause i don't want it to be. when i leave next year and i don't want anything or anyone dragging on my coattails and i've made that more than clear to him and everyone else in my life. so it's only my ego that's irked.

being with my son was the up part of my day. being ignored brought me to baseline. now the down part is starting in my head. i'm so ready to get the freak out of here. to go anywhere for just a couple of days would be more than enough but it's not going to happen anytime soon, i don't think. or maybe it will. i don't know. i have to figure out how to get the middle row seats out of the odyssey. even with the rear seats left in place, i can make a bed and throw whatever else i need behind the rear seat and to the side of the bed. i got back to late to look at it today so i'll look at it again tomorrow. i did a google search to see if anyone explained how to do it but came up empty.

on top of that, i'm trying not to fall into "poor, woo is me" mode.  i have an awesome life, i really do. i know i do. but sometimes my life challenges get on my last nerve and i feel overwhelmed. i start second guessing myself, my abilities, and my capabilities. i've literally been fighting, hiding, or running my entire life - from two onward. if i'm not careful, i can get sucked back into that black hole of trials and tribulations. i can relive it, rethink it, and come out battered and scarred yet again. or worst, i can let it taint the good that i earned and that i claim today.

that's why i'm so happy i've found so many vandwelling blogs. there's nothing i've faced that others haven't faced and overcame before me. there's no fears i have today that others aren't facing and overcoming even as i type. there are some amazing women i can turn to and follow. maybe not in person but through their sharing and their honesty. they're my predecessors, my rope when i'm hanging off the cliffs of "i can't". my path, good, bad, and in-between is my path. no one can walk it for me. but like my recovery, i don't have to walk it alone either.

have a great night, i'm going back to reading about swankie. hugs and be blessed.

another day

up at 115pm. call to son who had a serious attitude. call immediately cut short. ignored sons repeated phone calls for the next hour while i dressed and cleaned a little. answered son's call. made arrangements to grab him and his brother to go to fesival downtown. looked at a few blogs. typed this. about to head out.

so, that's my day so far. i dread leaving my house and my anxiety is kicking in but i know once i get with my sons it's going to be awesome. i have personable, funny, high quality sons. they make me smile and proud just looking at them. i just need to get over the hurdle of leaving my little sanctuary and all will be well.

that's easier said than done so let me go. hugs.

ps. hopefully i'll have pics to post when i return.