ugghhh!!!!!

i'm on edge. i don't like being on edge. i'm trying to ignore the edginess by being ocd with the internet but it's not helping. the hum is humming right below the surface. thus i've decided to blog to possibly get it off my spirit and into the physical world where i can deal - hopefully.

ok. so what's going on? first, my mv (minivan). today was the first time i've driven him - yes, it's a he - since i bought in last month and something's off. the brakes are squeaking a little and they pulsate when i press them. anything out of the norm with vehicles is generally not good. then i went to get his side and back windows tinted and my friend had some issues with the curve of the back window. it has tint but it's not very pretty tint. he said he'll try again later which is cool with me. i just wanted tint so the curtains or reflectix or whatever won't be identifiable from outside. but then the hatch lock broke and now it won't close fully and it won't open. that's a problem. finally, i can't figure out how to remove the middle row bucket seats and rear bench seat. from the description of the vehicle, i know they're suppose to be removable so it's just one more thing to figure out - along with the hatchback and the brakes and possibly the tint.  none of this is major, i know it but to be honest, i'm pretty lazy. i like things to go the way they're suppose to go and if they don't, i like other people to fix them. mechanical tasks, or any physical tasks for that matter, are not my strong point. i want that to change before i take off for good next year but hopefully it's a process cause right now, it hasn't changed one iota.

then tomorrow i have to leave my house to drive 45 minutes to hang out with my sons and my best friend. i love my sons. i love my best friends. i still don't want to leave my house!!!! i'm sitting here pouting and it's ridiculous but i feel what i feel and that's what i feel. interacting with people for longer than 15 minutes, 20 minutes top, is just draining. i know it's my $hit but it still affects me and it's human nature to not do the things i don't want to do. it's my nature anyway. but i'm going to go anyway because boys need their mother and friends need friends. if my home wasn't such a pig sty they could come here - which would ease my anxiety tremendously - but it is so they can't. i'm thinking i should have it cleaned up definitely by the new year. if not, i'll just haul off and take everything on the floor and not in my room to the dumpster. either way, it'll be clean.

last but not least, my bff just got down to a size 6 and my little sister, who's taking me to cancun next year for my birthday, is a size 4/6. they make me sick. one of the things i want to do before i start vandwelling is get healthy - diet, cardio, strength training, flexibility, spirituality, and emotional and mental stability. well, that's easier said than done. did i mention that i was lazy? cause it's true. i don't like to cook, so i eat out almost every meal except for having popcorn and diet soda before bed. my latest obsession has been waffles at this like shack of a dinner. i don't know what's in them but they are so freaking good with extra butter and hot syrup. i've had them almost every night for the last month. even thinking about them now is killing me. so, as a result of not cooking and eating too much sugar and starches, i've gotten to be quite a bit more substantial than i was 5 or 6 years ago. normally, this wouldn't bother me at all but my cholesterol isn't as good as it could be and the pants i bought in january can't exactly get past my thighs. plus my loved ones are losing weight and are all to happy to tell me alllll about the new clothes they just have to buy since their old things are too, too small. yeah. whatever.

so while i refuse to diet, i am determined to eat healthier. which is probably one of the reasons i'm on edge. i. want. waffles!!! but i had a protein shake and popcorn instead. yay for me.  and it's no big deal that life is going to shine just a little less bright going forward. being healthy is worth it. so i've been told.

as for the physical stuff, i have a membership at the ymca but i hate the place. it's old as methuselah. there's no facility radio. the weights are in the dark, dank basement. only the treadmills have connections to the television. and on and on and on with the complaints.  i'm going to check out the gym about 10 minutes from me to see if i like it. it's $15 more but it's definitely worth it if i don't dread going there. plus, there are cuter guys at that gym. i love the y but most of the guys that frequent it are not single and are rarely under the age of 50. not that i have anything against the elderly. many of my best friends are elderly. lol. that sounds so lame. i'm changing the subject.

as for my mental health, my psych and i are on top of that and it's going unusually well. due to some horrendous events in my past, i have a psych. enough said.

emotionally, i'm going very well. i finally ended a very draining, negative, drama-filled relationship with someone i desperately wanted to save but who had no desire to be saved. it took a little while to figure out we weren't on the same team. i hate it had to end the way it did but i'm thankful to God and the universe that it ended. other than that, my life is pretty awesome - great family, great friends, a wonderful cat, satisfying hobbies, good health. definitely nothing to complain about.

spiritually, i'm reading some things. while i feel very connected to the Universal Energy and i believe 100% in the fundamental goodness and purpose of the universe, i desire more. what more is the question.

hmm...i do feel much better. life is great and i just needed to be reminded of it. to remind myself of it. take care and be blessed. hugs.